THE HAWKE!
by CloudsSamurai
Summary: Hawke and Orsino have a rahter amusing chat before the fight with the Arishok.  Read on and you'll see what I'm talking about.


Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Age or WWE. If I owned WWE, however, the Miz wouldn't be champ. LOL jk xD.

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><p>Before the battle between Hawke and the Arishok began, Hawke and Orsino have a little exchange before the crowd.<p>

Orsino: "Now Hawke, I understand you and the Arishok are about to go at it tonight after a heated discussion at the Docks, and there's the fact that he kills our Viscount in front of-"

Hawke cuts Orsino off by putting his hand to his face, and he listens to the crowd chanting The Hawke's name.

"Hawkey! Hawkey! Hawkey! Hawkey!"

Then Hawke took the chance to speak: "Finally, The Hawke **HAS COME BACK**…to Hightown!"

The crowd cheers loudly.

Hawke: "First of all Orsino let The Hawke say this. After being confronted by all these sick freaks out here, to that Hermaphrodite Knight Commander Meredith, to that masturbating Seneshal Bran. And let me tell you after he talks with the Hawke be goes to a back room and loses five pounds of hardway. Now I can say it's great to be chatting it up, finally, with someone normal."

Orsino: "Well thanks, Hawke I appreciate that."

Hawke: "Oh it's no problem. You're always professional, you're always prepared. Except for that night you spent with the horses. Other than that you're a stand-up guy *raises thumb up*. Now you wanna ask The Hawke—"

Hawke: "Wait a minute, Hawke. What you do mean "the night I spent with the horses"? What does that mean?

Hawke: "Orsino, don't act like you don't know what The Hawke is talkin' about. You know damn well what The Hawke is talkin' about. You, and the night with the horses. Orsino, live audience, let's move on. Now you wanna—"

Orsino: "Wait. Hawke. I have no idea what you're talking about."

Hawke: "You want The Hawke to give the gory details, Orsino? Is that what you want? Alright, then. I'll give the gory details. One night, in the middle of Wounded Coast. *Neigh* 'Hey, Nellie, how are you? You're ol' pal Orsino. *funny-sounding neighing* Just admit it, Orsino. You like stickin' magic staffs up horses anuses. Don't you? **Don't you?"**

Orsino: "…Hawke, it was just one night."

The crowd laughs.

Orsino: "I was high on lyrium dust, you know that."

Hawke: "**WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA!** You actually admit that? You **DO** like stickin' staff up horses anuses? The Hawke was kidding! I was joking! And now you admit that? What the hell's the matter with you, you sick freak? What wrong with you?" Hawke looks behind Orsino. "Oh, Maker. Is that Red Hare?"

Orsino: "Where?"

Hawke: "Right there. *pushes Orsino off-screen* You sick freak!"

The crowd cheers once more.

Hawke: "Now, on to tonight! The Hawke has one thing he wants to discuss, and that is the biggest thing to invade Kirkwall. The Arishok. You wanna play mind games with The Hawke? Huh? Is that what you want? You wanna throw the Viscount's head at The Hawke's feet? You wanna try to convert his fans to your Qun? Well, The Hawke has a game of his own. No, it's not called 'guess which color are my underclothes', no it's not 'stickin' magic staffs up horses anuses'. No, no, no the game is called…**'JUST! BRING IT!**'"

The crowd goes wild.

Hawke: "The rules of that game are simple, Arishok. The Hawke will bring the whoopin', you bring that candy ass!"

The crowd roars in approval.

Hawke: "Tonight, It's the horn-headed, broodin' like crazy, Qun trash-talking, Axe-and-sword-swingin' Arishok. Against the trail-blazin', jabroni-cutting on Kirkwall nights, Deep Roads explorin', LLAA-AW! Pie-eatin', pirate-screwin', dragon-slayin', ogre-droppin', Kirkwall's Champ, **The Hawke**!"

The crowd chants his name again, "Hawkey! Hawkey! Hawkey! Hawkey!"

Hawke: "The Hawke has been waitin' a long time for this moment. It's gonna be epic. **IF YA SMELL-LALALALAAW! WHAT THE HAWKE!"**

Crowd finishs, "Is cookin'!"

Hawke pauses for a minute, giving the crowd time to cheer again, then he finishes the line himself: **"IS COOKIN'!"** Then he raises his trademark eyebrow, as the crowd roars and applaudes their Champion.

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><p>After what is possibly the biggest bullshit story she has ever heard, Cassandra stood there with a face-palm shaking her head.<p>

Varric: "...What?"

Cassandra: "If you're gonna tell me a bullshit lie, at least be realistic about it. There is no way the Champion could be _THAT_ electrifying!"

Varric: "You really caught on to that one, huh?

Cassandra: "It was hard _not_ to."

Varric: "He was awesome, though. I'll give you that much. *chuckle*"

Somewhere in the back, Leliana heard the story and was silently laughing her Orlesian ass off at how hyped up Varric made the Champion's story.

A/N: Well, that's it, y'all. This one-shot was inspired by that funny old WWE interview between The Rock and Coach XD. Hope you millions-**AND MILLIONS**-of The Hawke's fans enjoyed it ^_^.


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